The Dodo Never Stood A Chance
by Corvus corone
Summary: A picnic on the fields, a invasion of Gakuen Alice, Natsume's proposal of true love, Persona's not-so-secret forbidden affair, Youichi's TRUE heritage, not to mention the dodos ... what more do you want from a Gakuen Alice crack!fic?


_A/N: Written for **Hysterical Cookie. **Possibly the most OOC fic that I have written, sorry ... I could not seriously see a way in which Persona could /not/ be out of character - same with Natsume. Oh, and please vote in the GARC Awards - see my profile._

**The Dodo Never Stood A Chance**

XXX

At two o'clock on a certain Sunday afternoon, Persona and Mr Bear were enjoying a nice, relaxing picnic on the Academy fields.

How unusual, you may think.

The truth was, however, that it was really quite a normal thing for Persona and Mr Bear to be doing. Ever since the fateful day many few years ago when Persona had first wandered into the Northern Woods and set eyes upon the moving toy bear, their relationship had progressed like a wildfire. They had managed to keep it a secret from all who knew them for quite some time - until one day, Kaname had surprised Mr Bear with an unplanned visit and had seen some scenes of a rather, er, disturbing nature.

Well, that was all in the past. Now, Persona and Mr Bear's relationship was out in the open and no-one would bat an eyelash at them having a romantic afternoon picnic on the field. So, let us join them.

"..."

"..."

"...mm."

Being mute, Mr Bear didn't tend to speak very much. Not wanting to look insane, Persona didn't tend to speak very much either (because then he'd be talking to himself, really, and if anyone overheard that it would totally ruin his reputation ...). So their romantic afternoon picnic wasn't really particularly interesting to watch - unless the watcher was the kind of person who liked mentally traumatising human/stuffed animal public displays of affection.

Still, that was not the point. Long story cut short, Persona and Mr Bear were having a picnic when they were rudely interrupted by a young boy running towards them and then jumping on Persona.

"What?" said Persona irritably, for he had just been able to kiss Mr Bear.

"Me heard," said the boy breathlessly, "said attack Academy maybe."

"Very good, Youichi," said Persona, and put the boy back down on the grass. Youichi Hijiri had only just learnt to talk, and didn't like the bother of having to form proper sentences. The side effect of that was that no-one took him seriously.

"No, true! Definitely heard!"

Persona clenched his eyes and set his mask into a more intimidating angle. "Youichi, grandad's busy right now and he doesn't want to be disturbed. Basically, GO AWAY."

Youichi rolled his eyes (he had learnt much from Natsume ...) and tugged Persona's Scary Cloak Of Doom (tm) in an irritating manner. "No no no no no no no no no no!"

"Why did we ever teach you to talk?" said Persona.

"No no no no no no no no no no!" continued Youichi. He took a breath and carried on. "No no no no no no no no!"

"SHUT UP! Alright, what did you hear, Youichi?"

"Someone, Tsuba? Basa? Attack Academy evening. Soon."

"Talk in proper sentences, will you," muttered Persona, and killed a few blades of grass to relieve stress. "Are you being serious?"

"Yes yes yes yes yes yes!" Persona could see a few spirits materialising around Youichi as his excitement grew to dangerous levels.

"Seriously, shut up."

"But attack yes tonight!"

"Hmm. If you really aren't joking, then you should go and get the rest of the Dangerous Abilities to help defend," Persona said thoughtfully.

"Why not you?"

"Because I don't want to look stupid when it turns out that you really are just being an idiot," snapped Persona. Youichi obediently ran off.

XXX

A few minutes later, Persona and Mr Bear's picnic-forwardslash-date was again interrupted, this time by a whole group of people.

"He actually convinced all of you that this invasion is real?" said Persona incredulously. The group of people nodded.

"Seriously, is You-chan your grandson?" someone said. Probably Natsume or Hayate, Persona thought. One of those impertinent ones.

"Not now, please," he said in his most dangerous voice.

There was a pause, and then: "Seriously?"

Persona sighed. "Yes, he is. Don't ask how."

"Ew," someone else said. No-one really wanted that kind of mental image floating around inside their head.

"Anyway, what's with this attack tonight anyway? Youichi just sort of dragged us here and made his ghosts chase us until we came," said the first person who had spoken before.

Persona looked properly at him - oh right, it _was _Hayate. He was saved from having to reply by Youichi pointing towards the horizon and shouting, "DODO!"

"What?" said everyone else. It was quite amazing how they managed to speak perfectly in time.

"DODO!" shouted Youichi again.

The others looked to where he was pointing. There was a faint shimmer on the ground, as if some massive far-off army was swirling the dust into a sandstorm. Or maybe it was just a sandstorm.

"Maybe it's just a sandstorm," said Rui with some uncertainty.

"See told you," Youichi said with a smug look on his face.

"Well, I refuse to fight. It'll be much too messy," Rui said. He whirled around dramatically and flounced off, saying, "I'll be at the Cool Cats' Club if anyone wants to sleep with me tonight."

"Um, he's not being serious, is he?" said Nobara with an innocently worried look. She rubbed her right hand's little finger nervously.

"Aw, you're so cute," said Hayate, ruffling Nobara's hair. "But whatever, I think I'll go with Rui. Not to sleep with him," he added hurriedly. "Can't be bothered to fight that army, anyway." He too turned and started on his way to the CCClub.

Hajime nodded at these words, and walked away after Rui (who was, at this moment, perfecting his trademark Rui-flounce) and Hayate.

"Huh, cowards," muttered Persona as the three of them left. "And no, I do not have any power to make them return owing to some rather stupid legislation about unofficial missions, the legalities of Academic guardianship and government securities."

"Okay then," Natsume said. "I'm going as well."

And so he went. Mr Bear patted Persona's hand comfortingly.

"Nobara, you're staying, aren't you?" said Persona to the one remaining member of his team (Youichi didn't count).

Nobara didn't reply. She was instead staring at her right hand with her mouth slightly agape.

"Nobara?" Persona said again. Mr Bear tapped her on the foot and debated the merits of sending Persona's favourite pupil out into the stratosphere with a Mr-Bear-Special-Punchkickaxeheadbanger.

"Huh?" she said, looking up and partially snapping out of her daze. "Did you say something?"

"Yes, I did. I expect you're staying to fight that _thing_ coming towards us?"

"Uh huh, I am?" Nobara was back to staring at her hand. Or rather, her little finger.

"Yes, you are! And what exactly is so interesting about your fingers?"

"Uuuhhhhh... I dunno. The little one just seems so _weird_, you know? It's, like, totally out there. Don't you think so too?"

Persona looked at Nobara. Surprisingly enough, she wasn't usually _this _spaced out. There was only one reason that Persona could think of as to why Nobara was like this today. "Did Rui and that lot give you something to eat? And, or, smoke?"

"What's smoking?" said Nobara in all innocence, before going back to examining the angles of the curve of her finger joints.

"Well, I guess she's going to be useless," said Persona to no-one in particular. That left ...

"Just me?" said Youichi.

"We're doomed," said Persona, again to no-one in particular. Mr Bear nodded and glared at Nobara, who was now lying in an unconscious heap on the ground.

XXX

Not very far from where Persona, Mr Bear, Nobara and Youichi were located, Natsume was having some problems of his own. He had had a good reason to walk away from the fight - true love. And that, he thought, was more important than protecting the Academy or doing his duty as a Dangerous Ability class member. Today just happened to be the day that he had planned to ask out the love of his life, and he fully intended to do so properly.

And so he was standing under a blossoming cherry tree with fiery lovehearts dancing around him waiting for his heart's true desire to answer his proposal of love. It was a rather irritating process.

"Hurry up!" he growled at the girl standing next to him. She merely regarded him coolly and sniffed. Natsume looked vaguely affronted and sat down to wait this out.

"No," she said at long last.

Natsume looked up. "What d'you mean, _no_?"

"That's exactly what I meant," said Hotaru with no trace of regret or apology in her tone of voice.

"Oh, come on! How many times do I have to ask you out before you finally agree?!"

"By my count, seven times so far."

"Look, we're perfect together! Can't you just see that? I'm gay and you're a lesbian! We make the perfect couple!"

Natsume uttering those sentences made even Hotaru lose her composure. It was some seconds before she had gathered enough brainpower back to think of a suitable retort. "Excuse me, in what universe did that make sense?"

Natsume rubbed his forehead. Did he really just say that? No, surely not ... maybe Rui and Hayate had given him some "cool candy" again. Well, that meant Hotaru was going to have to killed before she could spread a voice recording announcing his gay-ness. "Er ... I dunno. I just felt like saying that. Girls love gay guys."

"I don't think that being gay is a particularly good quality that girls like to see in their prospective boyfriends. In any case, I have a bet with Koko on how many times you ask me out, and I'm hoping that I win."

"Bet?"

"Of course. You didn't think that I'd waste your time without making any profit from it?"

Natsume groaned. "Yeah, whatever. What's the excuse this time?"

"Well, the Cool Cats' Club is currently booked up this evening for Rui's birthday party and so we won't be able to get a reservation for your proposed dinner there," she explained.

Oh. So _that _was why those three were so desperate to go.

"You are so infuriating," he muttered. "God, I wish it wasn't illegal to kill you."

"Too bad," said Hotaru.

At exactly that second, Natsume was swept off his feet. Hotaru looked around to see a large bird running off with Natsume slung over its back. Okay, that really was rather weird.

XXX

"They've got Natsume!" shouted Persona at his teammates.

"Who's they?" said Nobara, who had just been woken up by the shout and seemed to be fairly back to normal.

"The dodos!"

"Did Rui and Hayate give you something as well?" she said. Dodos?

"Don't be silly, Nobara." He gave Nobara the binoculars.

She looked through to see a gang of rather vicious-looking pigeon-like birds pointing at and laughing at a boy, who she recognised to be none other than Natsume. Oh dear.

"Why dodos?"

"I suppose the person behind all this has some dastardly plan," said Persona. "Who did you say that was?" he said to Youichi.

"Tsuba?"

"He must mean Tsubasa Andou," said Nobara with a gasp. "You know that he's secretly devoted his entire life to taking down this Academy!"

"No, I actually did not."

"But you must know! It was all over the news! You remember that last month, he sent that fleet of syphilis-infected rats to try and defeat us?"

"That was Tsubasa Andou?" Figures. Persona had always thought that that had been Anna and Nonoko - those two were definitely not the cute little good girls that everyone seemed to think they were. Pity that no-one believed him, huh.

"Of course!" Nobara nodded vigorously. Youichi didn't really seem to care and continued picking daisies.

"Do you have any idea what is happening to Natsume?" said an unfamiliar voice. Persona and Nobara turned to see that Technical girl, Hotaru Imai, approaching them.

"No," said Persona. "Although we suspect that Tsubasa Andou is behind all of this."

"My Creature-Analyser .03 tells me that these animals are _Raphus cucullatus _- otherwise known as dodos - and have been infected with a deadly does of rabies. Still, as to why they have been infected, I don't know."

"Wow! That is so cool!" said Nobara, looking over Hotaru's shoulder at the Creature-Analyser .03.

"I know," Hotaru said simply.

"That's all very good, but how do we get rid of them? And I think I know why they're rabies-infected; you know that rabid animals are immune to Alices," said Persona.

"Nobara could freeze a wall around them ... ?" Hotaru suggested. "As for myself, I think my inventions are too good to be wasted on rabid dodos."

"Nobara?" said Persona, praying that she was still relatively in good working order and wouldn't suddenly pick this time to rebel or stare at her fingers. But it was no use - she had gone back to her dazed pinky-finger-staring mode and appeared to be oblivious to anything else.

"I guess that plan's not going to work," said Hotaru, shrugging. "Get Youichi to chase them away - or maybe Mr Bear can use his special bear attacks on them."

"Youichi! Bear-chan darling! You heard what the girl said!"

"Nuh-uh," said Youichi. "Daisy chain finish first!"

"Oh for of the love of God, we're going to be killed by giant pigeons foaming at the mouth and all you care about is your daisy chain?!"

"Uh," Youichi said. Mr Bear shrugged and gave Persona a look that said, "If you force me to touch those things, you die. Literally."

XXX

It was not until much later that the dodos got bored of poking Natsume with sharp sticks. Instead, they turned to the alternative entertainment - chasing Persona, Mr Bear, Nobara, Hotaru and Youichi.

"Oh great," muttered Persona as he ran around the field. "Hotaru, can't you do something?" he panted.

"Of course," she responded. "I was just waiting until things got really too desperate."

And with that she took out a small ball-shaped object from her bag and threw it at the nearest dodo. A few seconds later, the field was happily dodo-free as the birds fled in fear.

"A patented invention," she explained. "The Rabid-Dodo-Repellent-Sphere Version 3.2 is perfectly suited to this line of work."

"How the hell did you know that we were going to be attacked by rabid dodos?" said Natsume, sitting up and examining his wounds. "And why didn't you just do that before I got poked halfway to death?"

"I'm always prepared for these things - and I wouldn't waste my only Dodo-Repellent on anyone less than myself," Hotaru replied.

Persona didn't bother to say anything - he was too worn out from that exercise. Nobara was again gaping at her little finger, Mr Bear was practising attacks on Natsume and Youichi was crying over his broken daisy chain. Just perfect, Persona thought.

"Do you think we should hunt down Tsubasa?" said Nobara thoughtfully.

No-one answered.

"Nah, that idiot doesn't deserve our attention," said Natsume after a while. "I think I might go and get some pizza from Rui's party instead."

XXX

_A/N: The prompt was:  
Persona/Mr Bear  
Youichi is Persona and Mr Bear's grandson  
Tsubasa has devoted his whole life to taking down the Academy  
Rabid dodo birds  
Natsume/Hotaru  
"I'm gay and you're a lesbian! We make the perfect couple!"  
Nobara is actually secretly obsessed with her pinky finger._


End file.
